An English Gentleman's Guide to the bars and clubs of Cervino

Skiing holidays are sick, really. And I don't mean "sick" in the (snow-boarding?) sense of "radical" or "gnarly" or "good". I mean: disgusting, indulgent, bourgeois, environmentally unfriendly and terrifyingly expensive. But just in case you're as despicable as me and decide one day to go to Cervino in Italy for a skiing holiday, here's a woefully researched guide to help you decide where to spend your evenings.

The Matterhorn, a fairly famous mountain that can be seen from Cervino

The Dragon & Thistles: An English theme pub. Do you want to fly hundreds of miles for a Guiness that costs 7 Euros? Or for a ropey Italian covers band that plays trite English songs badly? Or maybe you're nostalgic for stingy 25ml spirit measures? Assuming you're sensible enough to answer 'no' to all those questions, this place ought to be avoided.


Gasoline: Arguably has the most beautiful barmaid in town, but there's little else to recommend it. Bland, big-beat, Euro-pop, synth-nonsense is played too loudly; it's all a bit cramped; and the beer is priced at a fairly average but still expensive 5 Euros. We never had the desire to stay past midnight, and it could be the sort of place that comes alive later at night, but I saw nothing to suggest it was worth hanging around.


Le Bistot de L'Abbe: Restaurant and Wine bar. We only stopped in for a quick beer, but I'd happily recommend it to anyone wanting to escape the bustle and noise of the other places on this list. A fine selection of wines and tastefully decorated, it's an excellent place for quieter, more intimate conversation.


White Rabbit: The place to go when 2 AM is too early for bedtime. A Jack Daniels with Coke costs 9 Euros, so you'll want to make sure you've done your drinking before you arrive, but the music is at least tolerable, occasionally "oh my god we have to dance"-able, and on one night they had a surprisingly convincing covers band playing a wide range of indie hits. Perhaps it's all a bit too obviously aimed at young English tourists, but when you're too drunk to talk and want to go somewhere to stumble around on a dancefloor, you probably won't find much better.


Yeti: A cosy, relaxed bar, attended by a reassuring number of locals, and on balance, probably the best drinking establishment in Cervino. The slightly hypnotic, over-sized screens that play a mix of American, English and Italian pop music videos can disrupt conversation, but tasty and (relatively) cheap beer go a long way toward making up for that. The staff were unfailingly friendly, gave out free nuts and crisps with every round bought, and they even had facilities for using the Internet (which I had the resolve not to test).


There was another place we went to on the main thoroughfare through town, but despite walking past it several times subsequently, I could never see that it had a name. Nonetheless, it can be easily identified by the sign flashing "LAPDANCE" outside. I was horribly drunk when we went in around 2 in the morning, and my memories of the place are incredibly hazy, but I found the following scribbled in my notepad the next day:

"Our first night in Italy and we're in a 'strip-club' that is not overtly, but almost certainly, a brothel. I buy a scantily-clad woman a drink for 15 Euros, and she talks with me while keeping her hand on my knee for around fifteen minutes. When our time is up she whispers in my ear that I might want to accompany her to the toilets; but drunk as I am, I'm not quite willing to pay for a sexual favour- despite that she's given every indication that she may be the first woman I've met who knows how to give good head."

That more-or-less says it all, except that you'll also be charged 15 Euros just to get in (although that includes a free drink), and none of the girls danced. They just loitered around the bar asking to be bought drinks. On a holiday that already cost a fairly astronomical amount, spending money on this sort of gentle titillation is something I came to regret; but I've included it here for the sake of completeness, and to assist any sex-tourists passing through this blog.

DISCLAIMER: My opinion of all the places mentioned here is based on incredibly limited experience. I reserve the right for my judgement to be proven horribly wrong.