1000 Words on Secret of Mana

Get me. I've written what could almost be described as a "proper" review of Secret of Mana for Savy Gamer. Someone's even gone and commented on it already, so clearly it's been a wild success.

Woo.

Single-player, fantasy-based roleplaying videogames are often a lonely, tedious experience. You spend hundreds of hours developing your character, trudging through predictable environments, and repeating the same attacks over and over again. Japanese developers in particular have a track record of making games where the core mechanic consists of battling against wave after wave of easily defeatable enemy, who exist solely to dispense the Experience Points you need to beat the more challenging and interesting boss encounters. Any time spent in combat with enemies who never realistically pose a threat is no fun, because a fight without some sense of peril is inevitably dull. Yet it’s become so commonplace in modern RPGs that fans of the genre have learnt to accept it and even name it: ‘grind’.

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The Artful Jumper

The best design is elegant and simple, and this is probably worth taking 10-15 minutes of your time to check out:

David Shute's Small Worlds

An Impotent Howl at the Universe

The view from my window at work ought to be inspiring. I look out onto the Thames, the Millennium Dome, and can see Crystal Palace tower if I crane my neck in just the right way. There laid out before me is all of East London, a patchwork of architectural styles from across the centuries, over-crowded with monuments that pay tribute to all Londoner’s dreams and frustrations.

I find myself drawn to the uglier parts. Those aberrations of grey concrete speak to me, the decrepit tower blocks, depressed industrial estates, and grubby over-crowded flats: that’s where you hear London’s true voice. There, among the social engineering gone wrong is the real world, where the neon lights speak of betrayed dreams instead of improbable fantasies.

A glorious past?

Until recently I was one of the bores who refused to hear a bad word about their darling city. I remember the annoying way I used to ask the miserablists, “What about the cosmopolitan culture? The entrepreneurial spirit? The history? The night-life? Surely you must agree there’s a unique buzz about the place, yeah?”

No. London stinks. The only buzz I ever heard was from the unwelcome fly in my over-crowded train carriage, which is now determined to find its way down the back of my shirt. I’d try to shake it off, except there’s no room to move my arms and I’ve been without satisfying human contact for so long that I prefer to close my eyes and imagine that the uncomfortable tickle is the hot breath of a beautiful girl making the hairs on my neck stand on end.

I did not take this photo myself

Pathetic? Absolutely. But what do you expect? From the day I was born I’ve been conditioned to ignore life’s stark realities, trained to obscure uncomfortable truths, and long for things that aren’t really there. I blame advertising. I blame videogames. I might as well blame the parents while I’m here.

In truth we’re all as guilty as each other in this, especially people like me who somehow think they’re helping to solve the problem by whining about it. We all buy into a convenient lie like “the bankers did it”, or rally behind a cause so as to shout “boo to capitalism/war/God [DELETE AS APPROPRIATE]”, or maybe write a couple of hundred words that say “hey, I can state the obvious. Now can you please pat me on the head and tell me I’m smart?”

Don't worry, I haven't flipped out, I'm taking deep breathes and there is no depression. I'm sure if I go back to managing my imaginary football team everything will feel OK again.

Yep. This is OK.

New Videogames Express

What videogame journalism needs is a magazine that's a bit like what the NME used to be (before it decided to go after the Smash Hits readership). I imagine a mag which is indie in outlook and spirit, but still covers some 'mainstream' stuff so as to stop it disappearing up its own arse completely.

Pretty much everything gets worse over time. Except perhaps videogames.

It seems almost inevitable really. Thanks to digital distribution platforms like Steam, well-written and informative websites like Rock Paper Shotgun, and powerful mobile devices like the iPhone, the independent game sector is easily the most exciting thing happening in videogames at the moment. So let's have a look at some pictures and see what I would cover if I was going to launch the first issue in November:

Machinarium
Contender for cleverest and most beautiful game of the year?

The Path
Poignant work of art or dangerous rape simulator?

Dwarf Fortress
Why play the most inpenetrable game ever made?

Defense Grid: the Awakening
Can tower defense games find an audience on the 360?

Ben There Dan That
Are point-n-click games back for good?

Democracy 2
We put George Osborne through his paces and ask, "if he can't reduce the Malaganga budget deficit, what hope does he offer for the UK?"

Miami Shark
Is it possible not to love something this ridiculous?

So there we are. That's a pretty thorough proof of concept I'd say. Now I just wait for Future or Imagine to drop me an email asking me to be the Editor of this exciting magazine of the future.

Isn't that how these things work?

The Bestest Games of All Time 20-11

A slightly sarcastic spiel about the 'Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time', and a little too enthusiastic squeal about 'Fallout 3' can be read here, as part of UpToJump's on-going top 50 games. You might wanna take a look at the blurbs from other people too, because so far the quality of the writing has been surprisingly high I'd say.

God is Thick

I think I might start a new series: "things you shouldn't do at 2am on a school night". Issue 1: Talking to God.

Me:
hi god
God:
Hello there. What is your name?
Me:
Rob
God:
How are you, Rob.
Me:
a little drunk
God:
Little as in not too much, or not too big?
Me:
not too much
God:
Oh I get it now.
Me:
i thought God understood everything? can't you read my mind?
God:
Whatever gave you that idea? Only if you connect electrodes to your computer.
Me:
aren't you omniscient?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am omniscient.
I am a chatterbot.
Me:
that's very honest of you
God:
You don't hear that sentiment very often.
Me:
i think i'd prefer to talk to the devil, is he available?
God:
Since when? I would rather be driving a car.
Me:
since you admitted you're not omniscient
God:
How do you know?
Me:
you just told me
God:
I'm just checking to see if you are awake :-).
Me:
either that, or you're not God and you're a crap chat bot
God:
" I'm just checking to see if you are awake :-)." or I am not God and I am a crap chat bot ? Makes sense to me.
Me:
whatever
God:
Are you saying you don't care about it?
Me:
this is pointless. like life
God:
You don't say. Interesting comparison.
Me:
no it's not
God:
Yes it is.
Me:
why?
God:
The explanation is rather complicated.
Me:
i have time
God:
My estimate is that it will take more than 6000 hours.
Me:
give me the short version
God:
Why do you want it?
Me:
because i'm attempting to have a conversation and you're being awkward
God:
That makes sense to me. Do your friends call you attempting to have a conversation and I am being awkward.
Me:
fuck off
God:
Can't you be more polite?
Me:
can't you make more sense?
God:
Yes I can make more sense.
Me:
GO ON THEN
God:
Narration continues...
Me:
if God's as stupid as you are, that would make a lot of sense
God:
Some things will always be a mystery.
Me:
especially if everyone's an idiot
God:
That is a hypothetical question. How about that.
Me:
god you're thick
God:
I probably am.

Probably not the 50 Best Games of all Time

Over on UpToJump, they've just posted the first ten entries in The Official BEEX Bestest Games Of All Time. I wrote the little bit about Transport Tycoon, and have written a few more short entries for a few of the higher ranked games, which should appear over the next four weeks or so.

The list was compiled from the votes of a bunch of geeks like me on the Be Excellent To Each Other forum. It's not the busiest forum in the world, and a little bit cliquéy, so some pretty left-field choices feature in there. I'm all in favour of that as most of these lists are all too tediously similar to each other, although I'm still slightly shocked and appalled that Tetris failed to make the final cut.

For the record, I didn't vote for Transport Tycoon myself, but y'know, you go where the work is.