Seven Ages of Sebastian Grice

So my buddy Josh and I wrote a screenplay. It's probably slightly preposterous to believe we have any chance of going anywhere in the BBC's Laughing Stock competition, as this is the first time either of us have tried our hand at this kind of thing. But my naive optimism is probably one of my favourite flaws, so no doubt I'll end up paying a little more attention than usual to what the postman brings for the next few weeks.

Shall I show you some of it? Okay, here's a tiny bit of it:

JIM

Jesus Seb. Are you sure everything's alright?

SEBASTIAN

That's "Sir Jesus Seb" to you.

Sebastian picks himself up from the table.

SEBASTIAN (CONT.)

I just... feel like I've spent the last couple of years eating raw eggs.

JIM

Urm...

SEBASTIAN

(more-or-less to himself)

I guess I thought everything would be fine as long as I never crunched down. I figured, “Yeah, sucking eggs is pretty groovy. It might be a bit uncomfortable sometimes, but as long as I keep swallowing them whole I’ll never have to taste the horrible raw egginess inside. But today... it’s like she punched me in the mouth, and suddenly... BANG. That raw yoke has exploded all over the back of my throat, and it’s totally rancid.

Sebastian grimaces and sticks his tongue out.

SEBASTIAN (CONT.)

And you know what’s worse? Now, NOW I can’t stop coughing up bits of shell. I can really feel them, y’know? They’re like daggers, wedging themselves deep into my gums. Hang on, is that blood I’m tasting?

EMILY

(earnestly to Jim)

Is he... tripping?

JIM

No... he's always like this...

SEBASTIAN

I can't work it out. These bits of shell. Are they only coming from the egg I had in my mouth today? Or is it the case that now, irreversibly, I’m going to be forced to choke up every single bit of raw egg I ever ate for the past two years?

Sebastian finally makes eye contact with Jim.

SEBASTIAN (CONT.)

It tastes really bad Jim. I’m not sure how much more I can take. I mean, who could swallow eggs whole for two whole years?

JIM

(to Emily)

I think he might have had a fight with Deborah...

SEBASTIAN

(catching his aside)

A fight?! David and Goliath had a fight! Deborah, she... she dropped the goddamn bomb and nuked the entire planet.